The Fatherless Daughters

Some of you may know that I lost my father when I was 11 years old.  It has been 16 years as of June 21st, this past Father's Day.  I know there are many women and little girls out there who are reading this that do not have a father in their life, and some of you I may know, and some that never have had one.

But I think that there are some things that people need to know about those fatherless daughters, and I may not be completely accurate for everyone.

As I was driving on Monday night to work I got to thinking...I have friends that are getting married, a brother with a wife and my little niece, things I have yet to do in my life that my father would typically be a big part of if he was still around and also wondered if I would have dated some of the guys that I have if he was still around.

The very last picture I got to take with my Dad before he passed away.
This was a week before he died.

Dating

I really got to thinking about the whole dating thing because I just recently picked out another AMAZING (full of sarcasm) guy to "date."  I long as a women, once a girl, what would my dad have thought about this guy.  I've always wanted someones  approval of someone I date.  Since my dad isn't around, mainly my brother.  But unfortunately for me, moving 2.5 hours away from my family, has put a stop to that.  But he never really did that anyway.  I always wanted him so bad to tell me, ever since my father passed, if he thought a guy I was dating was good or not.  Granted when I was younger I probably would have never listened to him, but his opinion really did and still does matter to me.  I am a woman all about traditions.  I like to do the same thing with my family ever Christmas holiday, Thanksgiving, etc.  So for me, this is kind of big.  I wanted the guy I date to get along with my family.  I want my brother to give me more than just a should shrug when I ask his opinion about a guy I've been seeing.  

As I grew up I started to have standards for guys that I date.  Today those standards have changed.  

I want a guy:

Who's faith in God is important to him

Works out

Nutrition is important

Family is important

Enjoys being outdoors (kayaking, hiking)/outdoor activities

Enjoys sports (baseball and football mostly)

Can get dressed up but can just stay home and eat pizza and watch sports or a movie

is willing to help me learn something by telling me how to do it and not doing it for me and expecting me to learn who is more spontaneous than me (cause let's face it, I don't have a spontaneous bone in my body.  Planner, right HERE!)

Can calm me down when I am really stressed out

Enjoys traveling

Is independent (wants to spend his time with me but doesn't necessarily have to and go and does stuff with his friends without me).   

O and recently, doesn't give me crap because I love CrossFit and weightlifting (oly lifts).  

But if we ladies notice, every time we get hurt by a guy it's because we dropped one of our standards on that list. We get all wrapped up in how that guy makes us feel, that we forget about those standards.  I wish my brother knew those standards and would tell me no if a guy didn't meet one of them (Amber, show this to Russ).  We want that loving comfort from a guy that we didn't receive or lost from our dad.  That feeling that he would do anything to keep us from hurting, him holding us until we felt better, taking care of us when we're sick, surprising us with little things, the feeling of security, just to always have a smile on our face.  Our father, in my opinion, is basically his little girls protector.  I know dads can't protect us from anything, but man would they try.

Ladies, you know your standards.  Stick to them.

If he cheats on you get rid of him, he'll probably do it again.  Yes, you may love him, but why be with someone you can't trust.  If he disrespects you, set him straight and if he does it again...leave him.  You deserve better!

But brothers to those girls/ladies or very best guy friend, look after those girls.  We all long for that approval.

Guy Friends

I am a girl with a lot of guy friends.  I have girl best friends, but I have a lot more guy friends.  I've been told the theory on that but I just doubt its believability.  I think as I grew up I've had a lot of guy friends in order to replace the fact that I lost my father and want them to somehow look out for me in a way.  I find guys that I confide just about everything in.  I think to us, having a lot of guys friends is like surrounding ourselves with multiple protectors like our father would have been.  It could be an attention thing or just wanting that feeling of a guy that really cares.  I have some guys that I would consider big brothers, no matter how far away they are (they're currently stationed in Germany).  They were always looking out for me when they lived here.  But someones our guy friends are just to fill that void of a father that we are missing.  I love knowing that some of my guy friends would do anything for me if a guy hurt me.  It's nice to have that feeling that someone cares.  I do have other guys in my life that are fathers and some I have started to look up to as a father figure.  They just might not know that quite yet. 

Wedding Day

I'm not going to lie; I've thought about that day many times.  My father is not around for the guy to ask for my hand in marriage, which I hope instead he will ask my brother. That is something that I want so bad to happen, not only out of a sign of respect.  Am I asking too much?  Like I said, I'm a woman of tradition and that's one tradition I want for sure.  I wish my father could be there when I someday find that guy and go to pick out my wedding dress.  I've always been a fan of Say Yes To The Dress and I see some of the fathers giving their opinions on their daughters wedding dress and the dad start to have tears.  I wish I had that, but my brother IS going to have to take his place.  He doesn't know it yet, but he doesn't have a choice haha.

Every couple of months I picture myself walking down the aisle toward whoever my husband may be and I don't get my father.  I'm still lucky that it will be my brother, but it will never be the same as my dad doing it.  To be arm in arm with him as he gives me away.  

And then comes the father daughter dance.  I've thought about it before.  I would want to dance with all the men in my family that have been there for me along the way, my brother and my Uncle Scott.  But on the other hand I've thought about just sitting in a chair in the middle of the floor listening to the song, "Just the Two Of Us" by Will Smith because I remember riding in my dad's Nissan pick up truck and him telling me that whenever he heard that song he would think of me and my brother. I just want that memory of him dancing with me.  I remember when I was little me putting my feet on top of his and he walking around with me on them. I enjoyed the moments I spent with my father:  riding on his lap and helping mow the lawn, thinking I had fixed my brother's remote control care, taking a longer motorcycle ride than my brother got one time.

I know that this will be a day of smiles and joy, but I can't help but think it will be a day of tears as well.

Present Day

As I struggle through many things in life now and the decisions I have and have not made I wonder if my dad would be proud of me.  Would he want to slap me upside the head and tell me to stop being stubborn or just bow his head and shake it at me?  Would he be proud of the woman I am starting to become and have become.  The decisions I have made with my life: my career choice, my decision to live where I do and not return home no matter how much I go through.  Is he trying to help the Lord keep me here and point me in the obvious direction that I for some reason do not see?

Only about a month after my father died my family and I went on an extended family vacation to the beach.  These use to me a yearly tradition, but they no longer are.  I guess all families have their issues that they can't get past.  And I'm not going to go into details about the dream, but I think that has been what has caused me to be mentally tough.  The one thing I did notice since my father passed away is that I cry a little more easily, which I'm not a fan of by any means.  For me personally, if I cry I feel as if it is a sign of weakness (remember not for someone else but for myself).  I think ever since I had that dream about my father I've have tried to be a tough person mentally.  I don't really share how I feel about things, especially if they hurt me,  I tend to think things through before I say them which can get me mentally in trouble.  By this I mean a lot of things that I want to say I never do.  I don't get upset over little things that I can't do anything about.  Why get angry over a situation I can't control?  I don't tell someone how I feel if they hurt my feelings; I just keep that to myself and if I do share it, it takes before just to get it out of me.  I'm better at writing how I feel down on paper than I am with using the words from my mouth.  Which explains the 5 page letter to the last guy who really hurt me.  

One thing I have noticed as I lack that father figure in my life, which I desperately need.  And it's scary when you find someone that you would like to be that person to ask.  Every girl needs that father figure in her life, whether it's an old family friend, or a older guy she meets along the way throughout her life.  It's important for any lady to have that.  This way a girl learns how she should be treated by a guy, respect and loved, and someone to look out for her.  So I guess guys, just remember that it could someday (hopefully not) be your little girl.

You'll always be Daddy's little girl!
You are his treasure.