The Unforetold Future

My goal has been to post at least one blog a week, obviously that has not happened.  I like to write about things that have really touched my heart that I want to share with you, and lately as much as some things have hit me here and there, it hasn't stayed with me for awhile.  So I'm hoping to get inspired every week to write something for you and if they don't come every week, when I do write I hope that you can take something away from it and are touched by it.  Knowing that you can take what you've read and apply it to your life.

CrossFit Guild family (some of them) on Community WOD Saturday.

I have had many plans for my life, as for as my career goes, since I was a little girl.  I've wanted to be a veterinarian, then work with dolphins and whales as a trainer, open my own CrossFit gym, to training soldiers and Special Forces.  All of these plans for my life haven't quite worked out and I can honestly say at this point in my life I have no idea where my life is going.  That's hard to believe that as a 27 year old, I have no idea where my life is headed.  Now before you judge me on how I should have a plan for my life, just
read the story.  I have lost a job that I truly loved due to my own mistake that I wish I could change everyday.  I miss coaching and having that family atmosphere.  I feel out of place and pushed away because of it.  And yes some of this is in my own head.  Mental struggles are the worst.  After moving to where I am at now, a military town, I have not had the best luck when it comes to keeping a job and that can be mental damaging to anyone.  

"Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you."

1 Peter 5:7

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Philippians 4:6-7

My goals have changed so much since first moving here.  Career goals have gone to the back burner, and are not so much my focus anymore.  The goal is just to get back on my feet.  There is some desire in there for where I want my life to go, but it feels only temporary.  I have a goal that ignites my heart.  I want to inspire and encourage others through sharing my struggles and my journey with Christ through them.  That you are not alone in what you are going through: finances, ending of a relationship, fitness and nutrition.  Almost as if I'm a motivational speaker.  I never would have thought that I would have wanted to do something like that considering how nervous I used to get just doing a speech in front of my public speaking class in college.  I would also really like to work with kids/adolescents and guiding them toward Christ.  I want to look up and smile after an interaction with them, knowing that I had an impact on their life.

CrossFit Northlake Family, SWAT

My life is currently full of struggle, mostly financial, and has been for the past 2 years.  Not something I am proud of by any means and am honestly embarrassed by.  The constant worry of if I'll be able to pay my bills coming up is mentally taxing.  I've been offered so many times to come home and to get back on my feet and it is very tempting.  That would let me spend more time with my niece and get to watch her grow up, not to mention with another one on the way.  I would also get to spend more time with my grandparents, and be apart of a great CrossFit community but one of the reasons I haven't returned home despite what I'm going through is I don't feel God pulling me back there.  It seems as if overtime I star to get ahead and start to plan how I'm going to get my life back together I get kicked back down.  Maybe God is punishing me for my actions, maybe he is trying to pull me back closer to him for my final stray away.  All I know is that he has a plan for me.  I have an idea of what I want for my life in my head but even then, God has something greater planned than I could never even think of.

"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps."

Proverbs 16:9

"The plans of the heart belong to man,
but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord."
Proverbs 16:1

But how can I believe such a thing?  I've read through chapters of the Bible many times and some it provides me with wisdom and clarity or a complete slap in the face as a reminder that things will be okay.  It's almost as if what I am reading is God speaking directly to me.  HIs words have given me comfort in the worst of times and he's answered even the most simple prayers.  I mean something as simple as me asking to run into some guy friends I haven't seen in awhile becauseI want to know they're doing alright.  And let's face it, living in a military town sometimes I go months without seeing friends.  The only thing that truly keeps pushing me forward is my strong belief in God's word, a feeling that's hard to describe.

My niece, Addison

I may not truly know what I want to do with the rest of my life, but working with kids, military and spreading my story is part of that and God is my inspiration.  We all have different things that inspire us like the person you look up to, the accomplishment of reaching your end goal, proving people wrong who say you can't do something.  God provides the good and bad in my life, but getting to that point doesn't come from God alone.  I can't expect it to just be handed to me, I have to work for it.  Just as Proverbs 10:4 says,

"A lazy hand makes for poverty, but diligent hands bring wealth."

Also,

"A sluggard's appetite is never filled, 

but the desires of the diligent are

fully satisfied."

-Proverbs 13:4

He is my inspiration to inspire others through my stories of struggle and of positivity, and fitness and nutrition journey.  God has gotten me through it all.  To inspire young kids/adolescents and build their faith in him.

I hope that as I go through my journey, you will enjoy the story and be able to relate and know that you're not along in what you're going through.  That you find some strength in this blog and the encouragement to rely on God when things seem at their worst.  Besides my stubborn and strong-willed personality it is God and his word that has kept me going.  I may not ever fully have an idea what the future holds for me, and I pray that someday I do because not knowing can be disheartening.

God has already answered some prayers in my life of giving me the opportunity to work with kids.  I am currently substitute teaching middle school kids of our nation's soldiers.  I just pray I find that way to lead them and make and impact on their lives.  Please pray for me as I find the way to do so.  I want to find a way to inspire others, encourage them and lead them through my faith.  And that doesn't mean just lead those who already believe in God but also those who do not believe at all.  So if you are going through rough times and think no one has any idea what if feels like, there is someone out there who has gone through or is going through what you are.  You aren't alone in your journey.  Keep your head it, it will pass.

"Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails."

Proverbs 19:21

~God Bless

"Training strength and endurance mentally, physically, and spiritually."

It Starts By Transforming Your Mind

Life throws many things on our path.   Some of those things could be good, some of them could be difficult.  And the difficult things are what test us the most.  These difficult things could be involved in your lifestyle, fitness and nutrition, or it could be in other aspects of your life.  All these things when in difficult situations require mental fortitude, mental strength.  

Some of us find that that mental strength comes  in forms of motivational quotes, reading or hearing inspirational stories, proving the people wrong who thought you couldn't accomplish a task.  Everything we do is affected by our mental attitude.  You won't be able to accomplish something when you don't think you can already do it in your mind, or be able to focus on something for that matter if your mind is completely cluttered with other thoughts.  The more stressful the thoughts, the worse your performance will be.  

Nutrition

I've seen this all to often with people when it comes to their nutrition.

Many people can become overweight because when a stressful or emotional situation happens to them in their life they turn to food for comfort.  They have those comfort foods..  A lot of the times these can be things like cookies, chips, ice cream, fast food even.  When people eat because they are upset, it starts to make them feel better, it somehow feels that void of why they were upset.  After this they become upset with the fact that they ate so much food because they are trying to lose weight, this in turn results in them becoming upset again and then turning back to food.  

This also applies when trying to eat more healthy.  I know this can be hard for people who are just starting out and feel very restricted by what they are eating.  Trust me, healthy options can be very tasty as well. When you look at changing your eating style as a burden it's going to be harder to do.  Look at all the positive aspects of eating healthier: you will have more energy, you will start to see a more healthy appearance in your body, it can alter the hormones in your body causing you to feel happier and start to feel a lot better.  Now who wouldn't want that?

Workouts

This can also be related to fitness.  When people get really upset they don't want to go anywhere, especially with depression.  I've dealt with depression and I can honestly say that all I want to do is lie in bed all day and sleep.  I don't want to talk to anyone and I even lose my desire to go to the gym, and I'm a fitness nut.  To others who are having to enter the fitness world, working out can be a burden because to them it isn't fun.  They see exercise as a chore.  It also is hard for people with insecurities to get into a fitness routine.  They feel like they are being judged by others at the gym and I can honestly tell you, that you are not!  People in the gym are more concentrated on their own workout routine than they are you.  But it doesn't apply to just people who are just getting started, it applies to us that are already working out.

I had a couple days back in May of this year were I had no motivation to go to the gym whatsoever, but I went anyway.  This was mostly because of a relationship ending.   My workouts didn't go all that well, but none the less they got accomplished.  My only motivation for going to the gym during that time was: I didn't want to lose everything that I had gained from my training and to make that person see what they were missing out on.

I think my worst day was when my gym had programmed to do a CrossFit Total.  For those that don't know what that is, it is where we test our 1RM (max weight lifted one time for each movement) for back squat, shoulder press, and deadlift.  I was excited about this day because I had been going through a program and could feel myself getting stronger. I have wanted to hit a 200# back squat and 250# deadlift for awhile now.  (I currently sit at a 180# back squat and 232# deadlift).  My goal that day was to hit 185# and 240# (the # mean lbs).  But at this time in my life I wasn't going through a difficult situation and was having a hard time dealing with it.  I was stressed out mentally so much that it effected me that day in more ways that I would have liked it to.  I didn't hit a single PR that day (no higher numbers), and some of my old highest lifts I couldn't even come close to, deadlift for instance.  I even had to walk outside a couple times in between attempts balling my eyes out in frustration as to what was happening at this current moment and wishing I wasn't so worried about the person I cared about so much.  Because so much was going on in my head it affected my performance in the gym that day drastically.  The situation still affects me but it has gotten better.  

And Then Life Happens....

Our mental mindset can affect so many things in our lives.  It can effect our healthy lifestyle, physical and nutrition. Not only are those two things important but our mental health is important as well.   We have to be in the right mindset to make changes in our lives.

Recently I have been reading a book called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.  This book has hit home on so many days so far, I feel like it is speaking to me.  I still become effected by the situation that happened back in May, unfortunately all too often it seems like, but I have better control of it now.  But anytime we want to make a change in our lives it has to start with our mindset.  If our mind is not in the right place we are surely to fail or just to go through the motions and not get anything out of what we are doing.  You want to have a passion or determination for whatever it is you are trying to change or going after.  

I have prayed so many times to God to take this pain away from me and to help me forget those couple months so I wouldn't be held back by them anymore.  I want so badly to move on from that part of my life and wonder sometimes if it will ever happen.  I know that one day it will but it's been haunting me more than I would like it to, and not to mention some other situations in my life have declined all to rapidly and wondering everyday when God will bring me relief from these things that are heavy on my heart.

While reading through Jesus Calling I came across this:

January 6th

"Do not be discouraged by the fact that many of your prayers are yet unanswered.  Time is a trainer, teaching you to wait upon Me and trust Me in the dark"

(Me is referring to Jesus)

Another day in this book, January 4th, said to cry out "I trust you, Jesus!"  For me crying this out actually leads me into prayer.  It leads me and gives me hope that God will one day take these things that are weighing me down and lift them up upon himself.  He will lighten my load.  Although I have never been a very patient person through all this he is teaching me to be patient.  And it readings like this that help with that.

Waffles and Tuscan Turkey Meatballs

Before

As some of you may know I started the BadAss Body Diet back at the beginning of June.  I had some changes I wanted to make to my body, like lean out a little more. I followed the book by Christmas Abbott and I had my cheat day on Sundays still, but the only way I cheated was that I added extra carbs for making ice cream for my Sunday night sweet snack.  But I have sticking to the diet.  I have definitely been happy with the results that I say after the 21 days.  
The book requires that you do the diet for a strict 21 days, no cheating (eating things not allowed).  If you stray from your plan within that 21 day period, you start from Day Number 1!

After 21 days.  This is a little over the 21 day
mark.  Definitely leaner.

Yes, We Have Our Moments Too...

So everyone things the fitness junkies are always full time strict with their diet.  Well I'm here to tell you that we have our moments too where we eat the ice cream, cake, fried foods, etc.  We are real people too. I will admit I have started back on eating sweets and I can honestly say my idea of getting the sweets out of the apartment is for me to eat them...ALL, in moderation of course.  
So, yes I can be the crazy fitness girl who is really disciplined with her food, but I want you to know that yes I have my cracks too.  I enjoy my sweets. All us fitness gurus do.  You just might not see it as much.  But once the sweet are out of the apartment I'm only keeping one sweet in stock and that is it.  I like being strict with my diet and cheating with my homemade ice cream.



I love to cook and to try and make different things.  I've recently am trying to get more involved with the fitness part of my life, like being an active member with the protein brand, Eat The Bear, that I take.  Well breakfast is my favorite, and I prefer waffles over pancakes.  I like trying different flavors of pancakes and everything new I try and fix from this point on is going to be in the guidelines for the BadAss Body Diet. I will provide you with all the bricks and ingredients so you can take the recipe and make it your own.  

BadAss Body Blueberry Waffles
Makes: 2 3/4 waffles

Ingredients

• 1/2 banana
• 2 egg whites (or 1 egg)
• 1tsp cinnamon
• 1.5tsp crunchy peanut butter (or any nut butter or your choosing - I don't own smooth pb)
• 1/2 scoop vanilla protein powder (ETB Naturally Whey Vanilla)
• 1/4c fresh frozen blueberries

Direnctions

1. slice banana and place in bowl, then mash until smooth - no lumps
2. add in cinnamon and mix together well
3. add in pb and mix together well, this might take a little time since it is thick
4. slowly poor in protein powder and stir into mixture.  Don't stir it too fast so that it doesn't powder up and end up all over the place like flour would
5. add in eggs and mix thoroughly
6. pour in blueberries and mix together
7. finally spray/rub waffle maker with olive oil/coconut oil/ghee (anything of your choosing so that the waffles don't stick.  And cook for 5-10 minutes, checking on occasion to make sure they don't burn.

Bricks

Protein: 2 - 2 egg whites (1 brick), 1/2 scoop vanilla protein powder (1 brick)

Carbs:  3 - 1/2 banana (2 bricks), 1/4c blueberries (1  brick)

Fats: 1 - 1.5tsp crunchy peanut butter

I evened out all the bricks to 3 each in the morning with 

Protein - 2 egg whites (1 brick)

Carbs - 0

Fats - 1 slice turkey bacon (1 brick), 1.5tsp kerrygold butter (1 brick)

Faithfulness Through The Storm

I have been on a whirlwind of traveling lately.  I was first in Tennessee to have some vacation time with family, and then to Florida for a work/relaxation vacation.
The owners of the gym I'm working at for the next week and a half recommended to me Worship On The Water, Flora-Bama.  I was excited to try the church because they have talked about how great it was.

The forecast, concentration, for the service was faithfulness.  More specifically how faithful God is when we go through storms, troubles.  We have all been through hard times, are going through them, and will go through them in the future.  But we must keep in mind that God will be with us through it.  He will stand by us and even when we stray away from him in our troubles.  The service concentrated on 3 verses:  Jeremiah 5:22, Mark 4:37-39, and Colossians 1:15-17.
Jeremiah 5:22 is the verse that really stuck out to me and is what I will be concentrating on in this blog.

"I placed the sand as a boundary for the sea, a perpetual barrier that it cannot pass; though the waves toss, they cannot prevail; though they roar, they cannot pass over it."
- Jeremiah 5:22 (ESV)

We need the protection of God when things happen in our lives.  We have good things happen, but when bad things happen in our lives not only does it seem as if only bad things happen but you stray from the one person who has stood beside you the entire time.  I myself have been guilty of this and unfortunately all too often.  We tend to forget about our most faithful friend.  Why we rely on ourselves to get through our problems is behind me.  I'm completely guilty of this as well.  Not only do the troubling situations we go through break us, but we forget that we are already a broken person because the situation we are in broke us even more.  You are already a broken person because you are a sinner.  
How are we broken?  God has laid out a set of guidelines for us as individuals and Christians to follow.  How many times a day do we break one of his commands, and willingly or even thoughtlessly break them.   We are rebellious, that is how you are broken.  We are naturally inclined to sin; it is in our nature.  Just as our parents, coaches, mentors, teachers give us boundaries as students, God has also given us boundaries and he has given us those boundaries for a reason.  But as human beings we like to see how far we can push those boundaries, even if it's just something little (example)  So how are we not broken?  There is no answer to that question.  Our nature is to test the boundaries we are given is what makes us broken.  Those boundaries can be good boundaries; don't get me wrong.  Our coach could tell us to run a certain pace, lift a specific weight, swim a certain distance and because we want to be a better athlete we do a little extra.  It's okay, you can admit it.  

God is your guiding light, just like a lighthouse is a
guiding light for ships.  They let ships know where
their boundaries are so they don't go off course
and run ashore.  God is our lighthouse leading us where
we need to be.

Again pushing those boundaries with our rebellious personalities.  And unfortunately, they way that seems too good to be true and seem so simple is usually the wrong way.

But we need our God's protection because our troubles will come, it's just a matter of when they will come.  Even those that seem to have it all or seem like they have everything together go through storms in their lives.  They just might be a little better at keeping their composure.  Your lack of sticking to the boundaries that God has given you is part of what causes they problems you are having.  You may be going through financial issues, but this could be because you are irresponsible with your money.  God tells us that when we are responsible with our money we gain this back and then some (Matthew 25: 14-30; The Parable of the Bags of Gold).  Or we may be one of those people where we constantly get into a relationship that never seems to work out.  God has given us standards and boundaries, besides The Ten Commandments, for the standards in the type of person we should be seeking to date.  God has given you those boundaries and guidelines for a reason!  They lead us down a path the keeps us close to him and gets us even closer to him in our relationship with him.  Staying close to God and seeking him in your time of trouble is what helps those problems go away, or in reference to Jeremiah 5:22 makes the "water recede."

You have to cry out to God for help, even in your most trying times he can speak peace over you.  He is the only one who can help you.  Proverbs 3:5-6;  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."   Time heals all things and God can heal what is broken.

"And a great windstorm are, and the waves were breaking into the boat, so that the boat was already filling.  But he [Jesus] was in the stern, asleep on the cushion.  And they woke him and said to him, "Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?"  And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, "Peace! Be still!"  And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm."

- Mark 4: 37-39 (ESV)

God should always be your Plan A when you hit your storms in life, but also expect the damage and brokenness that comes along with these raging waters.  Someones we have to be broken down so far in order for God to get us to where he needs us to be.  Our God is faithful and will never leave you in times of the storm, it's just a matter or you turning to him and not forgetting that he is there and you need to turn to him first.  

So don't be discouraged if you are going through one of those storms now.  I invite you to get down on your knees, bow your head, and silently pray to God about what you are going through, of him to help you through it, and even thanking him for what he has down for you in your life.  Finally realize that you can NOT go through this without him.  He will give you the strength and you will start to see those waves that crash upon the shore to  recede and slip back into the big ocean one by one.  Those waves will always be there, pushing the boundaries, but got has set boundaries for them to hold them back from you.  We just have to follow the boudaries God has set for us!

-God Bless

"Training strength and endurance physically, mentally, and spiritually"

The Fatherless Daughters

Some of you may know that I lost my father when I was 11 years old.  It has been 16 years as of June 21st, this past Father's Day.  I know there are many women and little girls out there who are reading this that do not have a father in their life, and some of you I may know, and some that never have had one.

But I think that there are some things that people need to know about those fatherless daughters, and I may not be completely accurate for everyone.

As I was driving on Monday night to work I got to thinking...I have friends that are getting married, a brother with a wife and my little niece, things I have yet to do in my life that my father would typically be a big part of if he was still around and also wondered if I would have dated some of the guys that I have if he was still around.

The very last picture I got to take with my Dad before he passed away.
This was a week before he died.

Dating

I really got to thinking about the whole dating thing because I just recently picked out another AMAZING (full of sarcasm) guy to "date."  I long as a women, once a girl, what would my dad have thought about this guy.  I've always wanted someones  approval of someone I date.  Since my dad isn't around, mainly my brother.  But unfortunately for me, moving 2.5 hours away from my family, has put a stop to that.  But he never really did that anyway.  I always wanted him so bad to tell me, ever since my father passed, if he thought a guy I was dating was good or not.  Granted when I was younger I probably would have never listened to him, but his opinion really did and still does matter to me.  I am a woman all about traditions.  I like to do the same thing with my family ever Christmas holiday, Thanksgiving, etc.  So for me, this is kind of big.  I wanted the guy I date to get along with my family.  I want my brother to give me more than just a should shrug when I ask his opinion about a guy I've been seeing.  

As I grew up I started to have standards for guys that I date.  Today those standards have changed.  

I want a guy:

Who's faith in God is important to him

Works out

Nutrition is important

Family is important

Enjoys being outdoors (kayaking, hiking)/outdoor activities

Enjoys sports (baseball and football mostly)

Can get dressed up but can just stay home and eat pizza and watch sports or a movie

is willing to help me learn something by telling me how to do it and not doing it for me and expecting me to learn who is more spontaneous than me (cause let's face it, I don't have a spontaneous bone in my body.  Planner, right HERE!)

Can calm me down when I am really stressed out

Enjoys traveling

Is independent (wants to spend his time with me but doesn't necessarily have to and go and does stuff with his friends without me).   

O and recently, doesn't give me crap because I love CrossFit and weightlifting (oly lifts).  

But if we ladies notice, every time we get hurt by a guy it's because we dropped one of our standards on that list. We get all wrapped up in how that guy makes us feel, that we forget about those standards.  I wish my brother knew those standards and would tell me no if a guy didn't meet one of them (Amber, show this to Russ).  We want that loving comfort from a guy that we didn't receive or lost from our dad.  That feeling that he would do anything to keep us from hurting, him holding us until we felt better, taking care of us when we're sick, surprising us with little things, the feeling of security, just to always have a smile on our face.  Our father, in my opinion, is basically his little girls protector.  I know dads can't protect us from anything, but man would they try.

Ladies, you know your standards.  Stick to them.

If he cheats on you get rid of him, he'll probably do it again.  Yes, you may love him, but why be with someone you can't trust.  If he disrespects you, set him straight and if he does it again...leave him.  You deserve better!

But brothers to those girls/ladies or very best guy friend, look after those girls.  We all long for that approval.

Guy Friends

I am a girl with a lot of guy friends.  I have girl best friends, but I have a lot more guy friends.  I've been told the theory on that but I just doubt its believability.  I think as I grew up I've had a lot of guy friends in order to replace the fact that I lost my father and want them to somehow look out for me in a way.  I find guys that I confide just about everything in.  I think to us, having a lot of guys friends is like surrounding ourselves with multiple protectors like our father would have been.  It could be an attention thing or just wanting that feeling of a guy that really cares.  I have some guys that I would consider big brothers, no matter how far away they are (they're currently stationed in Germany).  They were always looking out for me when they lived here.  But someones our guy friends are just to fill that void of a father that we are missing.  I love knowing that some of my guy friends would do anything for me if a guy hurt me.  It's nice to have that feeling that someone cares.  I do have other guys in my life that are fathers and some I have started to look up to as a father figure.  They just might not know that quite yet. 

Wedding Day

I'm not going to lie; I've thought about that day many times.  My father is not around for the guy to ask for my hand in marriage, which I hope instead he will ask my brother. That is something that I want so bad to happen, not only out of a sign of respect.  Am I asking too much?  Like I said, I'm a woman of tradition and that's one tradition I want for sure.  I wish my father could be there when I someday find that guy and go to pick out my wedding dress.  I've always been a fan of Say Yes To The Dress and I see some of the fathers giving their opinions on their daughters wedding dress and the dad start to have tears.  I wish I had that, but my brother IS going to have to take his place.  He doesn't know it yet, but he doesn't have a choice haha.

Every couple of months I picture myself walking down the aisle toward whoever my husband may be and I don't get my father.  I'm still lucky that it will be my brother, but it will never be the same as my dad doing it.  To be arm in arm with him as he gives me away.  

And then comes the father daughter dance.  I've thought about it before.  I would want to dance with all the men in my family that have been there for me along the way, my brother and my Uncle Scott.  But on the other hand I've thought about just sitting in a chair in the middle of the floor listening to the song, "Just the Two Of Us" by Will Smith because I remember riding in my dad's Nissan pick up truck and him telling me that whenever he heard that song he would think of me and my brother. I just want that memory of him dancing with me.  I remember when I was little me putting my feet on top of his and he walking around with me on them. I enjoyed the moments I spent with my father:  riding on his lap and helping mow the lawn, thinking I had fixed my brother's remote control care, taking a longer motorcycle ride than my brother got one time.

I know that this will be a day of smiles and joy, but I can't help but think it will be a day of tears as well.

Present Day

As I struggle through many things in life now and the decisions I have and have not made I wonder if my dad would be proud of me.  Would he want to slap me upside the head and tell me to stop being stubborn or just bow his head and shake it at me?  Would he be proud of the woman I am starting to become and have become.  The decisions I have made with my life: my career choice, my decision to live where I do and not return home no matter how much I go through.  Is he trying to help the Lord keep me here and point me in the obvious direction that I for some reason do not see?

Only about a month after my father died my family and I went on an extended family vacation to the beach.  These use to me a yearly tradition, but they no longer are.  I guess all families have their issues that they can't get past.  And I'm not going to go into details about the dream, but I think that has been what has caused me to be mentally tough.  The one thing I did notice since my father passed away is that I cry a little more easily, which I'm not a fan of by any means.  For me personally, if I cry I feel as if it is a sign of weakness (remember not for someone else but for myself).  I think ever since I had that dream about my father I've have tried to be a tough person mentally.  I don't really share how I feel about things, especially if they hurt me,  I tend to think things through before I say them which can get me mentally in trouble.  By this I mean a lot of things that I want to say I never do.  I don't get upset over little things that I can't do anything about.  Why get angry over a situation I can't control?  I don't tell someone how I feel if they hurt my feelings; I just keep that to myself and if I do share it, it takes before just to get it out of me.  I'm better at writing how I feel down on paper than I am with using the words from my mouth.  Which explains the 5 page letter to the last guy who really hurt me.  

One thing I have noticed as I lack that father figure in my life, which I desperately need.  And it's scary when you find someone that you would like to be that person to ask.  Every girl needs that father figure in her life, whether it's an old family friend, or a older guy she meets along the way throughout her life.  It's important for any lady to have that.  This way a girl learns how she should be treated by a guy, respect and loved, and someone to look out for her.  So I guess guys, just remember that it could someday (hopefully not) be your little girl.

You'll always be Daddy's little girl!
You are his treasure.

Anger With a Loving God

"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;
    he delivers them from all their troubles."
Psalm 34:17

When you look at the title of this blog, you may seem a little confused.  What could this blog possibly be about?

We all have times in our lives, as believers in Christ, where we go through difficult situation.  And sometimes those situations just seem to come one after another.  Things start to get better only to get worse again.  Some may feel as if they grow through them more often than others, but take comfort in the fact that we as Christians all go through them.  But being angry with God?

We question at some points in our lives why God puts us through certain situations and I for one can say I have been angry at him for what feels like constantly worrying about how I'm going to pay my bills, why I can't seem to find a good job and keep one (I've had 4 different jobs since moving here 2 years ago).

Here is my back story.

Not too long after I turned eleven years old, my father past away.  It still hurts me to this day because for so long I was soo angry.  I would not go see my father after he passed away at his grave.  The times that I did go with my mom was when she needed to clean his grave site, I sat in the car.  How could God take someone away from me who could be such an important part of my life?

And I was angry at myself because I was laying in bed the night before and my dad and I

I broke down the other day about all the things
were heavy on my heart and this is where
I ended up!

had what turned out to be a TWO hour conversation that I, to this day, remember not one word that was spoken between us.  How could I not remember a single thing he said to me?!  I've been told that maybe one day I would remember that conversation and here is it almost 16 years later and I still don't remember a single word of it.  But how could God expect me to have the guidance of a father figure in my life when I had no father?  I was angry at him God for taking him away from me and I was angry with my father for leaving me.  I started going to church on a regular basis and became very active in my church, but no matter how much I loved the Lord that anger still remained inside of me.  

I remember going to a Wednesday night church gathering that happened every Wednesday for the middle schoolers.  It was judgement night.  This night was to help individuals fully grasps the concept of what would happen when we die; we would be judged by God and determine if we would stay with our heavenly Father or go to hell.  One thing that has always stuck with me from that night was that they said, "If you don't go to church, read  the Bible, or pray you will not be in heaven."  My father did none of those things unless my mother asked him to go to church with us.  I was scared that I would never see my Dad again after I died.

It is only just the other weekend, May 8th-10th, that I realized I was no longer angry with my dad (because he couldn't have controlled what happened) and God.  I actually for the first time in 16 years wanted to go visit my father (I cry just thinking about this), unfortunately I didn't.

The Lord continues to test me to this day and I have been angry with him lately.  Ever since I have moved out to my current location I have struggled with my finances and jobs.  I love God, but as soon as things start to get better I feel as if he is knocking me down again.  Why is he putting me through this!?

"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;

    he delivers them from all their troubles."

Psalm 34:17

God puts is through this things in life so that we can learn from them. 

 If you are having trouble with your finances...

“No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money."

Matthew 6:24

"For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs."

1 Timothy 6:10

If we spend our money irresponsibly, then he will not provide us with more but give it to those more responsible.

He also puts us through troubles to bring us closer to him.  Sometimes we stray from God, and as I think of this now it seems kind of cruel but we tend to cry out to the Lord only when things start to really go wrong, or we are worried about something.  It basically like that "friend" you have that only calls you when they need something, but otherwise never here from.  We are that friend!  We forget to praise him when things start to go or are going right too.  Imagine if we praised God more for when things go right in our lives that we might not end up crying out to him so much because things are going wrong!  Why do we seem to forget about the Lord when good things happen, a job promotion/opportunity, serving him, etc.

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. "

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

We might work hard to get to this points in our lives but we could have worked harder for longer to get to that opportunity.  God places them in our paths when he feels that we are ready for them, and honestly not take advantage of the fact that he is placing them in front of you.  Your main mission should be to serve the Lord and to spread his word through a passion that you have.  My passion is fitness and nutrition.  

Even if we praise and thank God for the simplest of things; a quiet car ride somewhere, getting to have lunch with a good friend,  having a really good workout!  It's amazing how much we have to praise and thank God for.

So when we go through hard time just remember Philipians 4:6-7

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

It's okay to be angry with God.  He knows you are angry, and don't be afraid to express your anger to him.  It is through our joy and our pain that we become closer to the Lord. 

Taking Refuge and Standing Against the Odds

Psalm 11

 Finding Refuge

When I get stressed out about something that I'm going through, my go to is always a workout.  Now this is just my go to, it might be something different for you.  We all find comfort in things, things that help us relieve whatever stress we might be going through.  It might be working out also, shopping, venting to friends, writing letters/poems.   But for a little while it takes away the thoughts and feelings of whatever is bothering you.  Notice that I said for a little while, making it a temporary refuge.  So how to we get to that permanent refuge?  That permanent refuge is God.  It is guaranteed in the Bible that as followers of God we are going to go through difficult times, there is no way around that.  And not being a follower of God can just makes that finding refuge a whole lot harder;  difficult times just seem to keep piling up.  As much as you cry out to God and ask him why he is putting you through the situation you are in, you're not always going to get an immediate answer.
We aren't always meant to understand why.  God will either give you that immediate answer or your meant to go through that situation for a reason.  And we have to somehow find comfort in that fact that God is putting you through that situation for a reason, and to just except that.
Yes, I know it is very hard to do because we are people that like to get answers, we're curious.  We try to better ourselves and sometimes feel as if everyone in our path somehow gets what we want, or is making it harder for us to get to what we want (they are against you).  They have want we are wanting.
After beating yourself up for a bit, you suddenly find this great determination within yourself and feel unstoppable.  I've had this many times, and it eventually burns out.   We are not meant to be timid Christians!  We are meant to stand behind the Lord in times of trouble, sorrow, anxiety.  The Lord is our refuge, a permanent refuge.  He strengthens your spirit when you turn to him.  I know he is currently doing this for me.  He will always take care of you.  And you have to trust him in that fact.  He wouldn't do anything that would put us in a bad situation.  Trust that the Lord will protect you from the people that are trying to harm you, maybe not physically, but mentally.  He will bring you out on the other side a stronger and better person.

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline."
- 2 Timothy 1:7


"In the Lord I take refuge.
How then can you say to me;
'Flee loke a bird to your mountain,
..."
- Psalm 11: 1

Psalm 12 

Not Afraid to Stand Out

"Help, Lord, for the godly are no more;
     the faithful have vanished from among
       men."

When we are first baptist into the house of the Lord, we have a strong dedication to our faith.  As we getting older sometimes our dedication comes and goes, and for others it constantly grows stronger.   As Christians we are held to a higher standards and some might feel restricted by that.  We are not meant to feel restricted in any way when being a follower of Christ.  We are afraid of being judged because we are a Christian.  I always get that image of telling someone I believe in God and them

Sometimes being the one to stand out is the most beautiful thing.  

scrunching up their brow and lip going up to their nose and the head full of judgement.  It is because of this image or another that you may have that you may be afraid to declare your love for the Lord.  Trust me, what other thinks one day will not matter to you.  You will declare you faith no anyone.
But as young Christians we get scared about being judged and do not share with others.  We blind into the crowd of our friends, even our actions don't point to you being a Christian.
I know for the longest time as a Christian, the words that came out of my mouth and the things I did, in no way gave evidence to the faith I have today.  How often do you follow what your friends do so that you don't feel embarrassed?  Would what you are doing be something God would approve of?
We start to blend in with others and not stand up for our faith in the Lord.  We are scared to fight for the Lord because of what others will think of us.  Scared to admit that we are Christians.  Going against what you know everyone else is doing, even when you know it is right may not always be the easiest choice.  You have to give it all up to the Lord, this won't limit you in nay way, but give you amazing possibilities that you would have never imagined.  But we have to rebuild our faith in the Lord daily.  We can't take a couple days off.  The more time you spend with the Lord, just like another person, the closer we become to them.
Standing out is what makes you a unique individual.  Yes, there are a lot of Christians out there in the world, but no other Christian is like you.  You are still an individual.  God has gifted you with something special, a special way to serve him.  You were born to stand out even in a sea of Christians!

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will."
-Romans 12:2




**This is just my own personal opinion/interpretation on the two Psalms after reading Trusting God for A Better Tomorrow by Wendy Pope