Complex
Where to even begin this story. Most people who know me today know that I love food and I love to cook. I also love sharing food that I cook. I haven't always been this way and so starts the story of this horrible past. I hope that this gives some ladies and gents hopes that they can get through this and become stronger because of it.
P.S. this story might jump around a little bit.
It has been about eight years now since it all began, when I started college. I have always had a very active lifestyle: gymnastics, swimming, and dance. Somewhere along the way in my freshman year in college I developed eating disorders. It started as anorexia and later developed into a form of bulimia that doesn't involve purging.
I would wake up every morning and have a full bowl of cereal that morning. I would go to work that morning and then spend the rest of my day at school. I would always go home for lunch since school was only 20 minutes away. Lunch would end up being a cup of hot chocolate and/or a pb&j sandwich. I'm honestly not sure how I got to that point. I became obsessed with the way my body looked when I had done gymnastics and wanted to look like that again.
I had fallen off the workout wagon when I started college. At least I didn't work out like I use to when I was in high school and younger. My freshman year at UNC Charlotte I decided to start running. So add that on top of my minimal eating and I wasn't doing myself any favors. My mom was in weight watchers at the time and would tell me how it was recommended that you weigh yourself every morning. It was something she did to keep track of her weight. Well, unfortunately that rubbed off on me as well.
It started the very viscous cycle of waking up in the morning and weighing myself, then eat breakfast and go about my day. School, home for lunch then back to school for night classes. My friend Meghan would bring snacks and I would occasionally eat some of her snack if she offered and if I didn't feel guilty but that was rare. She was very pretty and in great shape. She had won a lot of beauty pageants and while we were friends became Miss Charlotte, NC. She was one of those girlfriends that you were jealous of because you always thought she was prettier than you and the guys sure made you feel that way. I digressed.
My mom somehow convinced me to go see a counselor about some issues she thought I had. Me and my mom were getting in fights a lot (probably from my lack of carbs now that I know more about nutrition) and I was hardly eating So I started seeing one of the counselors at school. I hated telling her things, especially since she was someone I didn't know. Heck I didn't even like telling people I was close to personal things. It just felt uncomfortable to me.
The sessions were being videotaped so they could go back and look at them. Another reason I hated the sessions were because every single time I would cry at some point. I have always thought crying was a weakness, for myself. I guess gymnastics made me tough like that.
While talking with the counselor my mom wanted me to try and figure out my nutrition issues as well. After talking with the counselor she thought that maybe because I couldn't control the guys that came and went out of my life that I was trying to do it through food. I could control my food, how much and what I ate. I always was super upset after a guy I really cared about and I split ways. What girl doesn't, but I think it always hit me really hard because of losing my father at age eleven.
The Challenge of Changing
So I started seeing the nutritionist at school.
I told her what I was doing. I had started running my first year at UNC Charlotte also. I had picked up a hobby and wanted to get better at it. So not only was I hardly even eating but I had stumbled along a form of bulimia where you work off all the food you've eaten for the day, which for me wasn't that much. I would run around 3 miles on the treadmill every night and sometimes more since I wanted to get better and I would skip dinner. She suggested starting out with a light snack that had protein in it after my runs. She wanted me to eat something that I liked
I remember the first time I had sat down and ate something after a 3mi treadmill run. I had chosen lemon yogurt, and I remember looking at that lemon yogurt with dread. Why did I look at food with such disgust? I hated every bit of it. But I did it because I knew I had to and talking with the nutritionist made me realize that what I was doing wasn't healthy for my body. Every bite of that yogurt was excruciating. Not only was I missing out on my body getting proper fueling but I wasn't spending the evening with my family.
When I did finally decide to have a regular meal my body would bloat up in order to store the food that I had eaten because it didn't know when it was going to get fuel again. I think that was one of the hardest parts. Was to see my body expand from finally getting food and the way it made me feel when I looked at myself in the mirror.
I can't really remember how I slowly but surely got back into eating three meals a day. I do remember jumping right into lunch because I loved PB&J sandwiches but dinner was always a struggle. But somehow I did. I found foods that I loved, crackers were always a favorite. I always added cheese and turkey, it reminded me of lunchables. I would gain a few pounds and hang out in that area for a little while just until I felt comfortable. I can't remember how much I weighed when all this started. Now granted I would have to be weighed every time I went to the nutritionist so I think it was usually around 100-105 pounds. I felt disgusting for a while if I was over that number. But I slowly but surely worked by way up on the scale. Even after my eating habits improved I still would go back to see the nutritionist to advice on new goals like becoming stronger. I would go to her once a week, then every other week, once a month and then finally I felt like I had a hold on my nutrition and was being consistent.
I would wake up every morning and have a full bowl of cereal that morning. I would go to work that morning and then spend the rest of my day at school. I would always go home for lunch since school was only 20 minutes away. Lunch would end up being a cup of hot chocolate and/or a pb&j sandwich. I'm honestly not sure how I got to that point. I became obsessed with the way my body looked when I had done gymnastics and wanted to look like that again.
I had fallen off the workout wagon when I started college. At least I didn't work out like I use to when I was in high school and younger. My freshman year at UNC Charlotte I decided to start running. So add that on top of my minimal eating and I wasn't doing myself any favors. My mom was in weight watchers at the time and would tell me how it was recommended that you weigh yourself every morning. It was something she did to keep track of her weight. Well, unfortunately that rubbed off on me as well.
It started the very viscous cycle of waking up in the morning and weighing myself, then eat breakfast and go about my day. School, home for lunch then back to school for night classes. My friend Meghan would bring snacks and I would occasionally eat some of her snack if she offered and if I didn't feel guilty but that was rare. She was very pretty and in great shape. She had won a lot of beauty pageants and while we were friends became Miss Charlotte, NC. She was one of those girlfriends that you were jealous of because you always thought she was prettier than you and the guys sure made you feel that way. I digressed.
My mom somehow convinced me to go see a counselor about some issues she thought I had. Me and my mom were getting in fights a lot (probably from my lack of carbs now that I know more about nutrition) and I was hardly eating So I started seeing one of the counselors at school. I hated telling her things, especially since she was someone I didn't know. Heck I didn't even like telling people I was close to personal things. It just felt uncomfortable to me.
The sessions were being videotaped so they could go back and look at them. Another reason I hated the sessions were because every single time I would cry at some point. I have always thought crying was a weakness, for myself. I guess gymnastics made me tough like that.
While talking with the counselor my mom wanted me to try and figure out my nutrition issues as well. After talking with the counselor she thought that maybe because I couldn't control the guys that came and went out of my life that I was trying to do it through food. I could control my food, how much and what I ate. I always was super upset after a guy I really cared about and I split ways. What girl doesn't, but I think it always hit me really hard because of losing my father at age eleven.
The Challenge of Changing
So I started seeing the nutritionist at school.
I told her what I was doing. I had started running my first year at UNC Charlotte also. I had picked up a hobby and wanted to get better at it. So not only was I hardly even eating but I had stumbled along a form of bulimia where you work off all the food you've eaten for the day, which for me wasn't that much. I would run around 3 miles on the treadmill every night and sometimes more since I wanted to get better and I would skip dinner. She suggested starting out with a light snack that had protein in it after my runs. She wanted me to eat something that I liked
I remember the first time I had sat down and ate something after a 3mi treadmill run. I had chosen lemon yogurt, and I remember looking at that lemon yogurt with dread. Why did I look at food with such disgust? I hated every bit of it. But I did it because I knew I had to and talking with the nutritionist made me realize that what I was doing wasn't healthy for my body. Every bite of that yogurt was excruciating. Not only was I missing out on my body getting proper fueling but I wasn't spending the evening with my family.
When I did finally decide to have a regular meal my body would bloat up in order to store the food that I had eaten because it didn't know when it was going to get fuel again. I think that was one of the hardest parts. Was to see my body expand from finally getting food and the way it made me feel when I looked at myself in the mirror.
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| 2010 at my CF Level 1 Cert. I graduated from UNCC in 2012. I finally started getting help around my junior year. |
I can't really remember how I slowly but surely got back into eating three meals a day. I do remember jumping right into lunch because I loved PB&J sandwiches but dinner was always a struggle. But somehow I did. I found foods that I loved, crackers were always a favorite. I always added cheese and turkey, it reminded me of lunchables. I would gain a few pounds and hang out in that area for a little while just until I felt comfortable. I can't remember how much I weighed when all this started. Now granted I would have to be weighed every time I went to the nutritionist so I think it was usually around 100-105 pounds. I felt disgusting for a while if I was over that number. But I slowly but surely worked by way up on the scale. Even after my eating habits improved I still would go back to see the nutritionist to advice on new goals like becoming stronger. I would go to her once a week, then every other week, once a month and then finally I felt like I had a hold on my nutrition and was being consistent.
Health Nut
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| One of the meals I have eaten after trying this new way of eating called flexible dieting, following macros (carbs, proteins and fats) |
I wasn't always the health nut that people know me to be today. When I first got back into a normal eating routine it was more just about eating. I didn't really care that much about what went into my mouth, and I had started to grow out of my picky eating habits. But that didn't stop me from eating things. It wasn't until about my junior year in college that I really started trying different things (veggies, different cultures, etc). I stuck to what I knew at first and what felt safe to me. It didn't matter if it was processed or not. I later in college found out that I had inherited high cholesterol from my father's side of the family. Which limited what I could and could not eat. I started eating more whole grains, more leaner meats, and tried more fruits and vegetables.
So no huge deal on changing my diet in order to accomplish my new health goals. What really kicked me in the gut was when I was in my exercise physiology lab and we were doing the YMCA bike test. My resistance on the bike wasn't that high an my heart rate was at 160. Not exactly normal for someone who taught spin classes and trained for individual triathlons. After going to a cardiologist we found out I had Mitral Valve Prolapse, a condition that causes the mitral valve of my heart to move past the point of closure causing a gap between my ventricle and atrium. This allows a little bit of back flow of blood into my atrium. After finding this out it was more modifications to my diet. This is where I completely broke down into tears. How in the world was I suppose to become even more strict on a healthy diet more than I already was.
The number on the scale was still a big deal to me, but I had gotten better about my eating. I was starting to eat 5-6 times a day, meals and snacks. But my weight on the scale still mattered. I'd cut back if I didn't like the way my body looked or if my weight was higher than what it normally was.
It wasn't honestly until about two or three months ago that I finally stopped getting on the scale everyday. I still hop on it every once in awhile to check and see where I'm at. And compared to how I was, it's definitely an improvement.
I have debated about sharing this part of me for awhile on here. It's something very personal to me, as I'm sure it would be to anyone else. I get scared of being judged by others for it, but those who know me now probably would never have guessed that I had as much as I eat now. And what makes it worse is I have a thing for sweets but try to limit those, especially the big ones like donuts and milkshakes, to either my cheat day or days that I've had a competition. I wanted to share this story with you because I want to let others know who are going through this that it's okay and that they can also get through it. It's not an easy process by any means. I still struggle through it sometimes to this day. So that battle will probably never be over for me. But I am healthier than I have ever been. My total cholesterol is back down under 200 and my HDL (good cholesterol) is at 72! As much as my strict diet sucks sometimes, it has definitely paid off.
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