Bean Loves You For A Thousand Years & A Thousand More

I'm going to admit I've been dying to write in my blog since I've written last, I've just chosen not to more out of stubbornness than anything else.

Yesterday was Father's Day and it's usually a day I just overlook.  But as I was scrolling through the book of faces  (Facebook) yesterday all I could see where girls with pictures of their father's or sons wishing their fathers Happy Father's Day.  And honestly toward the end of the day I was angry and extremely tired of seeing them.  I was over the fact that I no longer have a father to tell that to.  All I have left is the memories since I was 11 years old and after.

The memory of my dad taking me out on a motorcycle ride while my brother was probably at practice for whichever sport he was doing at the time.  So my dad took me on a good 30min ride with my small black helmet and me riding up front.  The rule always was, anytime you're on a motorcycle you have long pants on, close-toed shoes, long sleeves, and a helmet.  No exceptions.  Sitting on the front of his Harley with my small black half helmet. So I got the bugs in my face...thanks Dad haha.  And on the way back from our ride him slowing down to tell me Russ would be home when we got back and not to say anything because he was just going to take Russ around the neighborhood.

Jeez, I'm going to cry writing this....

Or the memory of me and Dad running an errand in his silver Nissan pick-up and Will Smith's "Just the Two of Us," came on and he told me that every time he hears that song he thinks of me and Russ.  But me and him rocking out in that little old truck to TNT or Black Betty.

My dad was a mechanic and just a handyman in general but worked on fixing cars and motorcycles mostly.  I remember by brother having a remote control car that something was wrong with and it wouldn't run out in the shop (where my Dad did all his mechanic work) one day.  So I went out there and sat on my Dad's lap and watched him.  It probably only needed the batteries changed in it honestly.  But for some reason when my Dad got it all put back together it wouldn't start.  So my did flip it back over and took off a piece from the bottom.  I remember having the piece in my hand and putting in on a certain way.  And then the car started working again.  It was probably just an adjustment for the batteries but I honestly thought I had fixed that little remote control car just by putting that piece on the right way and I was so proud of myself for "fixing" something since Dad was a mechanic.  I'm so glad he let me have that moment and sitting in his lap just made it that much better.

I think this is probably why I want to learn how to do things on my car so bad by myself or be able to do things around my apartment by myself also.  I might call a friend for help but have me do most of the work, just them tell me what I need to do.  It's my way of making my Dad proud of me and being independent.

One story we (my family) die laughing over is one night at dinner Dad said the word stupid.  The word stupid, no big deal right, but it's the way my Dad said it that made it so funny.  It was more like....steewpid.  I started laughing so hard and repeating it making fun of my dad and my brother started dying laughing also.  Dad was trying to be serious at dinner and got tired of us making fun of him really quick.  So he told us the next person who laughs was getting popped.  I honestly couldn't help myself.  Just thinking about how Dad said the word stupid made me giggle and sure enough I was the next person made a peep and unfortunately for my brother both of my Dad's hands reacted instead of just the one and we both got popped upside the back of the head.  

My dad would let me steer the lawn mower while he mowed on the riding mower.  I would sit up front.  He would come to some of my gymnastics meets.  He was an amazing dad.  I was Bean to him although I had many other nicknames, but mom said his most frequent for me was Bean.

I think the hardest memory for me is the night before my dad past away we had a conversation that my Mom said lasted a good two hours.  What in the world could we have talked about for 2 solid hours!  And unfortunately I ask this question all the time.  I don't remember a single word of our conversation the night before my Father past away and that honestly hurts me to no end.  Why would I forget that big and long of a conversation?  The next day I had gone to gymnastics practice. I don't remember if it was a Saturday or if it was just summer time and after gymnastics went to my friend Nikki and Megan's house until my mom could pick me up after finishing work.  When we got home there were tons of messages on the answering machine from the hospital telling us to come down that it was important but didn't want to sound too urgent because of course they didn't want us to panic.  I cried off and on after they told us the news.  For some reason I felt it was my job to be the strong one.  

I remember mom taking us to a grief counseling class for parents and kids and I honestly never wanted to be there.  I was angry all the time and didn't want to talk about my Dad's death.  And I still don't talk about it much.

This is something I have only scared with maybe 2 people in my life, one being my brother.

I remember our first vacation without my dad, I think it was later that summer, when all of our families actually got along.  My mom and I slept in the same room and I remember going to Diary Queen that night.  That night I had a dream that I was actually riding my horse (something I always dreamed of having one day was a horse of my own when I was a little girl) down my Aunt's long gravel drive way.  Not sure why it was at my Aunt's house.  And my Dad came riding up on his motorcycle.  I had the biggest smile on my face.  My dad stopped beside me on his Harley and I stoped on my horse and he looked at me and said, "Take care of the family for me."  Yes, this was my dad looking to me after he had passed away and I knew that he had in this dream asking me to take care of the family!  How in the world at 11 years old was I going to be able to do that?  I think I remember a big hug and kiss but there was no riding back off up the gravel driveway away from me as I watched knowing he had asked this of me.  The dream was just over.

So now as almost 18 years later approaches, June 21st, all I could think of on Father's Day was the memories I have of my Dad and the ones that I won't get.  That he had to miss my graduation from high school and college.  See me move out and away from the family.  Make my own path in life.  Meet the men that I have dated and having his approval of the ones that I wanted to date and for some of them unfortunately I did.  Having him someday walk me down the aisle whenever I get married or hold grandchildren in his arms.  Or that the man I marry one day will ask his permission to marry me.   And he can never tell me he's proud of me. 

Honestly, wondering if my dad is proud of me is something I long to hear just about everyday but it's something that I long to hear from him.  No matter how many people tell me he is I always wonder.

I sometimes wonder if my father was still around if my feeling wouldn't grow so quickly for any guy that I like.  It's one of the things I consider a flaw for me.  But one thing is for sure, I'm definitely not afraid of those feelings.  Just wish they wouldn't happen so quickly!

So yes, I was angry on Father's Day.  Because I love and miss you dad!

1 Project Down, Plenty More To Go

So I've been a little quiet on here lately and there is a reason but I don't really want to share that.  But I did tell you all that I would post what my shelf in the bathroom looks like when I got it finished.  Granted this could be a one day project but I turned it into a couple weeks.   We all go at our on pace right?
Plus there's more excited things to tell you about too that I figured I'd share too.  My posts might get less but just bare with me on that. 

Bathroom Shelf + CrossFit and Canvas
So when I decided I wanted to start some decorations for my apartment, after all I've been there for 2 years, I decided to start with a simple shelf in my bathroom that I had found on pinterest made from industrial piping.
Thank you Blue Cross Blue Shield for the gift card so I can save some money at Lowe's. With every project there will be set backs.
I had to order the pieces of piping from Lowe's called nipples because they were out.  So they put in the order and I called a week later because they said they would have them in a couple days, definitely before the 22nd.  Well the 22nd was getting closer and I hadn't gotten a phone call.  So I called to check on the order.  The warehouse had no plans of shipping that out of stock item anytime soon.  So, customer service issued me the refund for those two nipples over the phone and told me of another Lowe's in the area that had some in stock.  
After I finally got the piping, next was spray painting them black, which I almost decided against because I liked the color of the piping but it had white lettering on it so it needed to be covered (insert sad face).  It was nice sitting outside my apartment door spraying the piping.  It was almost relaxing. I always enjoyed having my door sitting open when it started to cook down minus the lady who would smoke downstairs.  But anyway.  Before I got to spray paint the piping I had to put all the pieces together (caps, nipples and flanges).   The blog I was using for instructions said to put two coats but I only did one.  I've got to be a rebel somehow. 

So last night my friend James came over to help me find the studs in the wall, which I'm not too great at yet.  My handiness is still a work in progress.  So James thought he had found the studs and turns out where the stud sounded like it was....it wasn't.  So I guess I need to get a stud finder.  Might make my life a little easier.

So we drilled the holes through the flanges.  Good thing I already had a big pack of dry wall screws! 
We put the board on top of the first brace to place the second and make sure it was level.  And then the drilling for the second brace started.  We got everything done in about 30min or less which is what I was expecting. 
I'm so glad I have handy friends!  Only thing that's bothering me now is the board isn't wide enough for the brackets but that can be fixed.

I'll have to put the pallet boards together for my next project, and figure out the best way to put the boards together for where it's going.  Time to start measuring the space for my patriotic wall!



Deload Week & Cut 2
This week was my deload week on my program.  And the way my program is set up it feels like it takes forever to get to week 5 after all the work done during the 4 weeks prior. 

The plus of a deload week is I'm not so rushed to try and get everything accomplished.  I still tend to move pretty quick through things because I like getting things done and that way I might have time to do a little extra core work or have time to stretch which I don't typically get to do after I workout because it's straight to the shower I go to get ready for work.
Another plus of a deload week is I know everything is considered a light day so that means I will be able to drop some weight for my cut. The goal is to cut down from a high 57kg (compete in the 58kg class) lifter to a 53kg lifter.  About a 15 pounds difference!

Carbs are scarce on light days which when I first did a light day I was worried about how cranky I would be not having carbs after lunch but as of right now I am surviving.  Unfortunately the disappointing news when I woke up to do my weigh-in this morning I hadn't dropped like I had hoped.  I only weigh-in twice a week, Monday and Thursday.  On Monday I was at 56kg and this morning I was at 55.8kg.  So I've still got a ways to go but I have plenty of time to get there and I don't want to cut my weight down too quickly because that could take away my strength.

I also realized toward the end of last month that I've been so worried about making it to the American Open, stressing myself out about making it this year.  It's only the beginning of June and even though the latest I can qualify is November I still have plenty of time.  I'm on month 6 of 12.  There's plenty of time to make the jumps I need to and if I don't then there's always next year.  I need to remember just to have fun with this process even though it can frustrate me at time when I know my training has provided me with the ability to hit new numbers but I just don't.  Like some days I've never lifted before in my life haha.  But I'm sure we've all had those bad lifting days.  So here's to just having fun with my meets for the next couple months, enjoying the process, and seeing where it goes!



All Kinds of Special
Last year I tried for a position during the summer called ESY (extended school year).  Some kids will go to school for an extra month for a couple hours a day.  Not even a half school day basically.  And I have been working with a special needs kid for the past month.  Which if you know me, you know how much I love working with that population of students.  Yes, some days can be more difficult than others but it never ceases to put a smile on my face. 
This year, I never actually received the application to apply like I did last year.  A friend forwarded it to me and I sent it in.  Luckily, we had someone come in and observe the kid that I work with so see if we could figure out why he had been acting out.  And we got to talking about ESY.  I told her that I had applied and had sent the application back to the person who I know needed it to go the most, and I never heard back from her.  The lady felt that it would be a good idea for me to work with him for the summer and sent out the email that I needed to be able to work with my student this summer during ESY.  I am so thankful for that!

And this past Sunday when I was in church there was a part of the bulletin that grabbed my attention.  The church was looking for volunteers to help work with special needs children to help integrate these kids in with normal Sunday school classes.  My first thought...aww love!  So the first thing I did when I got home was email the people to contact about helping out.  The information meeting isn't until the beginning of July but I'm glad that this was posted.  I've always thought about working in a kids Sunday school class and had thought about helping with the younger kids during Vacation Bible School but wasn't sure how I would be with them.  This is the perfect way to start I think!

~God Bless

"Training strength and endurance mentally, physically, and spiritually."