You're mind goes from one thought to another, bouncing around in your head like one of those balls in a pinball machine. Never completely focusing on one thing, but a thousand different things in a matter seconds or minutes. Your heart is constantly racing, and you feel like you're about to explode at any moment. Anything going on around you just adds to the triggers in your head, people talking to you with racing thoughts that never slow down, you can't fully process and seems as if even one extra thought thrown at you is about a million.
Not many people know this but I do deal with anxiety. Unfortunately my anxiety can sometimes result in depression and every so often I'd rather deal with that than the actual anxiety. So I figured I'd let you in my head and let you know what it's like and what I think when these things happen.
I've got a meet in about 2 weeks and my clean & jerks are feeling good, minus the fact that I just realized I'm starting to straighten my back leg again on my jerks and I've worked hard to fix that. Jeez, one more thing to fix, but lately my snatches have been giving me trouble. Some days I can figure out the issue myself and well some days I just bug my coach. Glad I've got him. I know I bug him and I'm glad he puts up with it, but I do feel bad about it. But instead of taking it as one bad day at 80% I think about how yesterday's 80% was a struggle and how the past 2 weeks haven't been that great and all of a sudden my head zooms straight to my meet and how I'm worried that I'll do shitty on them there too. I really want to do well and always have good meets. And then I start thinking about the long term goal of making it to the American Open this year, and how bad I want to be there. and what if I don't make it. Yes, there's
I didn't work at the school today and was told yesterday that they didn't have any work for me since I'm just a sub, but I always swing by and double check after my workouts just in case. Still had nothing, but when the VP walking into the office as this is being said my head goes straight to, "am I in trouble?" I said something the day before about a teacher I was covering in front of the secretary about not like that room/teacher because they're messy. Did I just get myself in trouble. And I by no means and not appreciative of the days I work. I love my job every day. Some days may be a little more stressful for me than others but I don't love it any less. I don't like that days that I'm not at work. That school is apart of me and so are the kids. The kids become almost a little family of your own. Like they're your own kids. And I'm always worried that I'm not good at the one thing that I love doing, which is working with special education kids. They just touch your heart.
And then there's the paycheck that literally just got drained in 2 days from paying bills when I'm trying to save money. I've been bad about that this past year, bit I start to see hope when the other paycheck roll ins. That's always a constant worry. And then being told I end up having to spend a little more money now just adds on top of that stress. Yay. It's a never ending battle.
Lately, since the beginning of the year, I've been content being single. Happy to focus on my and my lifting. Not to have any distractions and just focus on me. No desire to start dating. And I have a guy friend that's the same way. So great to hang out with except I freak out when he tells me he's ready to date. One, why the hell is that bothering me? I'm not ready to date. And second, could this mean that I'm catching the feels? This is so not happening and nope. I don't want to date, no desire to, want to focus on my lifting and me this year that's all I want to do. And then my head gets rattled trying to figure out why it's bothering me. Awesome!
I also have to worry now about my heart condition until I go to the cardiologist on the 22nd. I was never told by my cardiologist 7 years ago that I needed to have it checked every two years. Just told that mine was very mild because of all the working out I do. A lot has changed in 7 years that could affect it, like my exercise routine. I use to do a lot of cardio...now, none at all. I'm nervous to go see them and find out the results of the ultrasound that I will get and how that might possibly effect my programming. And worried about the cost of doctors fees and the fee of an ultrasound. Glad I have tips from my second job.
For those of you who may not know. I'm a consultant for Rodan+Fields skincare. Their products are absolutely amazing. They've helped get rid of my acne that I've struggled with for years. Proactive only worked temporarily and this stuff is just amazing. And they make facial products for people who want to battle aging lines (anti-aging), dark spots, acne, and sensitive skin (eczema, psoriasis, etc). But I finally went to make some of my mini-facial to give out as samples since I started the business back in June of 2016. I'm a little behind. Money has been an issue, but you have to put the money into the business to really get back out of it. But it's scary to spend that money. So I finally was able to get some mini-facial put together and I went to print out the sheets that go in the bags for instructions and place a new ink cartridge in and my printer doesn't recognize it. I contact HP, and they walk me through some steps and it still doesn't work. The send me new cartridges and I'm going to try those later today, but what if those don't work. Then I have to replace my printer which has less than 50 days left on the warranty, which puts me even more behind on getting mini-facials out and building the business. Let me tell you building a network marketing business is scary stuff. A lot of people don't want to spend money on products that are proven to help them with skincare concerns.And I realized that I booked to dog sit on Easter so I won't get to spend Easter with my family this year. A first in the 4 years that I moved. I didn't realize this when I booked my trip to Steamboat, CO for my birthday and then decided to head back on Sunday for dog sitting for the week. And there's no refund on tickets so I'm not going to just throw away the money I spent on a treat to myself. I'll be by myself and really don't want to be. I'm sure it won't be that big of a deal being by myself for a holiday as many people around here have done it but just something that bothers me.
Sometimes dealing with it is easy and then others it's an all day thing. I don't tell a lot of people this because I feel like people will view me differently, treat me differently, and it's scary to tell people. I don't want it to effect what I love doing, like my sport and job. But it's good for people to know, but it's also a scary thing. I just want people to understand if I'm acting differently the is why. Other people might see it as stress but it's much more than that. It's everything running through your head at one time and not knowing how to stop it.
