MIA

Last time I opened up this blog to try and write something was back in February of this year.  And yes I say try and write because as much as I wanted to get on here and write I couldn't bring myself to do it.  To share my life with people when I've been basically avoiding sharing my life with almost everyone for the past year and a half, but it honestly feels like two.

A year and a half ago a huge accident happened and that I still today feel hugely responsible for and know that those people will never talk to me again.  And within that same time an individual I loved had just left and again told me that he didn't think it was a good time for us to try and start a relationship when he was the one who initiated it.  I honestly was broken and falling apart.  For months I didn't want to talk to anyone and was depressed and on medicine.  I could never forgive myself for what happened and still don't.  And besides the people who know, I'll probably never put it out there on here.  And maybe one day I'll be brave enough to.


I'm still lifting and competing.  I went to nationals last year in Valley Forge, PA.  And this summer it's off to Albuquerque, NM.  I use these meets as a way to travel to different places in the US.  And honestly I love it.  I couldn't ask for a better combination of traveling to compete at different places around the US.   Put some more pins on my pin map.
I've switched lifting coaches as of recently and so far so good.  I get regular feedback and I feel listened to. 

I've switched jobs.  I miss my old job a lot but my new job is a great opportunity for me.  I'm making a big dent in my car payments and hoping to have that paid off by the end of the year.  I'm grateful for this new job and the new opportunity to learn that it has given me.

And after that guy from 2 years ago, everything still hurts like it was only a month ago.  That memory hurts that I've only wished I had memory lose just so I wouldn't have to feel that pain and the memories anymore.  I still wonder how he's doing and of course wonder if I ever cross his mind.  I tried dating for a bit at the beginning of the year and I let them move too fast so needless to say they didn't work out and I'm back to not dating again.  And realizing that what I was letting happen was just a temporary fix and that I was worth better than that.  That I am worth taking out and getting to know on a slow basis, not hanging out at my apt all the time. Which honestly should have been the first sign.  But I'm so guarded at this point I don't even want to allow myself to feel that way about someone the way I felt about him.
I remember the day when I was younger and wanted to be married by the time I was 26 years old....5 years later. Now honestly I'm hoping for 35 but we'll not make that an actual thing.  My first goal is a dog family and hoping to get her by the beginning of next year!  Fingers crossed.