Elementary school came and went and having accepted Christ hadn't changed me at all. I was still the same person going to church and missing on occasion, no big deal. And I really didn't think much about the decision I had made. During middle school I started to get more involved. Before starting into the middle school ministry our youth pastor came by the house to visit us and just give us an idea of all the things they do. His name was Brody, yes I still remember him. He was very down to earth and related to us very well. Maybe because he was a big kid at heart. We had a band I thought that was pretty cool. I even volunteered to sing with them one day, but chickened out last minute from stage fright I guess. We would break off into small groups after a short big group session and I enjoyed the group of girls I was paired with. We were always together for camp retreats, Christian conferences at church that involved host homes. I would do outreach on Saturdays and after we would go bowling. I really enjoyed spending time at church. I would get upset if I wasn't able to make a Sunday. I think sometimes my mom went to church just so I could go. I tried to read through the whole Bible, beginning to end, when I was in middle school but that still hasn't happened yet.
My faith in God was building until 8th grade. On Wednesday nights every so often they would have what was called a "Judgment Night." It was meant to make people who had not accepted Christ really think about the decision to accept him. So before I go forward, I'll give you a little background. My father passed away when I was 11 years old. I was angry for a long time even though I didn't realize it. I remember wondering why God would take my dad away from me and soon after his passing would always look to see if he was going to walk through the house door or just randomly so up somewhere. It felt like a dream that he was no longer with me. I never had thought about if he was in heaven with God or in hell, but one night at "Judgment Night," changed all that
That night the drama team did a skit that start with people dressed in the scream costume, minus the mask, wondering into the crowd of people, walking into the bleachers. I won't lie, they scared me to the point when the one that came near me I pulled away a little bit But what was said that night really made me fear for my dad, "If you don't go to church, pray, or read the Bible you are NOT gong to heaven." This statement really scared me. To think my dad wasn't in heaven and I would never see him again. He didn't read the Bible that I was aware of, only went to church on special occasion, and we prayed before dinner. I'm scared that I'll never see my dad again, and always scared of where I will end up. It's still a fear to this day. I always try to be a good Christina, but let's face it, we all slip up and do things we aren't suppose to.
My faith at that point faded in God. A God that could take such an important figure in my life away (I'm starting to develop tears as I type this). And I always hate that the night before we apparently talked for 2 hours. I neither remember talking with him that long or remember a single word of the conversation. I've been told that one day it will come back to me, but that was almost 17 years ago and it still hasn't happened.
I eventually moved into high school youth ministry because let's face it, we all get older. I tried to stay active but felt the clichés that come with high school in the process. I missed the middle school group. I missed more Sundays than not in high school and then just basically stopped going. I felt like an outcast in the same small group I used to be close in. That lead it's way into college, but it wasn't until my junior and senior year that I started going to church again. I tried to read through my Bible again, and I think I did it but can't remember because I was following a reading plan from my church so it jumped around everyday that I read. The guy that I was dating at the time of my senior year would go with me, but I could tell he was going just for me. And that was awesome that he was willing to do that for me, but I wanted him to go for himself too.
My faith in God started getting stronger again. After we broke up I started going to the early service with my grandma and sat with her, and we would head toward our Sunday school classes afterwards. I had joined a college Sunday school class which I continued with even after I had graduated, but that was only a couple of weeks. In December of 2012 I applied and was accepts for a Health Educator position in Fort Bragg, NC. Which I think this is the first time I've told ya'll where I'm located, for those that don't know me personally. And it is where I still am today. My first thing was to find a church to go to. I asked my Aunt and she gave me a list of different churches to try out. My first church was Village Baptist and I liked it because Dr. Martin preached similar to my pastor back home. I tried a different church the following week, Berean Baptist, but felt out of place. I realized that Village was where I was suppose to be. I wasn't very involved besides going to Sunday school an then main service, which I eventually left the Sunday school class I was attending. I had ignored calls from my singles pastor because I at the time didn't want anyone calling me to try and convince me to keep coming. I was fine keeping to myself. I later started going to the Singles Bible Study on Monday nights. My faith was still growing but I was still resistant.
Things started gong downhill for me in my life that same year, in June, that I moved to Fort Bragg. I lost my job as a health educator and at first I was bitter about it but I realized later I enjoyed the hands-on approach when it came to peoples fitness journey and didn't feel helpful when giving clients the same general exercise guidelines. But out of that I was given my first opportunity to start coaching CrossFit after having my certification for 2 years. That job fell through an I moved on to another gym and eventually another. It wasn't until Guild that I became the coach I am today and I love coaching. But eventually that fell through as well. And as those things started to take a hit, so did my confidence in myself. Why was God putting me through this, job after job of me failing? I felt worthless and like a failure. Why would God lead me to a city only to continuously have me fail and struggle? I know that God can put us through hard times to make us rely on him more, and he knows that sometimes it will have the opposite affect. Was this his way of pulling me closer to him? I prayed and cried for God to help me! Having to borrow money to pay my bills is not something I'm proud of or proud to even admit. And being told there was something wrong with me didn't help either.
This was my struggle from summer 2013, mostly in the spring of 2014, until now.
I dated guys that were only temporary. In other words I was treated as if I was a girlfriend but was never was one only for them to get back together with their ex. After those I had hardly any confidence in myself except in the gym.
As I went through all of this I was asking and praying to God to turn things around for me. But I was having my doubts. Why would a loving God put me through this again and again? what was he trying to tell me and what was I suppose to be doing with my life? I felt lost. I was working out by myself, working a crappy jobs, feeling like and outcast, and just not happy. I had one day where I had lost all hope. But my faith in god's plan for me kept me determined to try and keep my head up and keep going, no matter how much that faith in God was at the time. He had a plan for me, and it usually isn't the one you have planned for yourself. You sometimes getlucky though. He would provide for me. I would read various Christian books and study guides and they would provide me with hope, clarity, and determination but it was only short-lived. I started to get more involved in which last year by helping out with VBS (Vacation Bible School) during the summer and then dinner on Wednesday nights after VBS was over. I felt connected to my grandma in that way because she also helps out at dinner on Wednesday nights back home. Although being involved helped, it didn't always. But I tried to stay strong.
So where am I at today? I have a job as a substitute teacher at a school on post and work mostly with the SPED (Special Education) kids. I'm at church 3 days a week. I still train by myself but have plenty of friends that I've met through the gym. It's not often you find a girl up at 5am getting a workout in. Most days I I can head home with an amazing story from work with my SPED kids and the connection I make with them just feels my heart with so much joy and love, it's overflowing! I am still at Bragg and part of me not leaving is because one of my passions is the military and has been since I was twelve. I had thought about joining several times but medical conditions would prevent that (I would have joined the Marines first). I think the only way I would leave here is if I had a better job offer at another base or in a relationship with someone in the military. My faith in God still waivers at times, but no party of my life will ever be perfect. But at some point in all our lives, for those who believe in God, we will lose our faith during really hard times. he never promised that believing in Him would make my life any easier, but would test me and my faith.
~God Bless
"Training strength and endurance mentally, physically, and spiritually."
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